My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

 Another week has passed, a good week, I feel well, increasing yoga daily, started a little bit of running, eating healthily, sleeping well. I’ve completed the first section of the Counselling course and completed the assessment, now to wait for it to be marked!  I always finding learning really interesting but my negative automatic thoughts always try to put the damper on things, especially when I worry about whether I’ve successfully completed any assessments!  Trying to get myself to accept feedback regardless of type is hard for me. I feel I’m now doing everything I can to remain healthy to aid progress of treatment and recovery, but that unknown of how I will really be affected by chemotherapy and any limitations the oncologist puts on my regime is there in the back of my mind.  I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT I CAN AND CANT DO! Occasionally the negative thoughts come up, which for me has always been automatic when I’m under any kind of stress or challenge!  The neg...

 I’ve just realised it’s now been 7 weeks since stopping work! A business I’ve been running for 18 years albeit very small for the first 5 years.  But after that I created a business I am very proud of.  I’ve never stopped like this accept for holidays, a spell also when I was ill last year and the horrible Covid period where all businesses were affected (this broke my heart as I thought I’d lose all clients). But I can honestly say for the most part I’ve enjoyed my job, I’ve had some amazing dogs and clients and I hate that I’m letting them down! But I’ve no idea on how long I’ll be off, obviously post op it wasn’t suitable to work for 6 weeks, but now it’s limbo again! Waiting for oncology and chemotherapy to start! Could I work in between? Not knowing when the next therapy starts and whether its worth starting then stopping again!  I believe I have to have a picc line permanently put in my arm which wouldn’t work with my job, risk of catching it whilst handling do...

 So Friday has arrived and what started as a meh week, feeling a bit low and pissed off,  actually turned out quite good.  Mood stabilised, got out on some nice walks, met a friend with her dog and hunted for fossils (her gift to me was a pocket full of treasures, either that or she was trying to weigh me down for when the tide came in). Made an appointment with a Herbalist, went to a long consultation with her and she has given me natural tincture mix that can help support my system before, hopefully through chemotherapy (subject to oncology not poo pooing it) and afterwards to aid a better recovery and help me moving forward to lower certain risks but still support my system.  Lots of advice on which supplements are needed and best to take, alongside helpful advice on diet and exercise! Plus relaxation and how to switch off through yoga and mindfulness. I’ve also now received the confirmation of funding for a Level 2 Counselling Course, which I’ve started today. ...

 Time goes by and my mood and thoughts are erratic!  Felt very angry and was quite snarky over the weekend! I’m sure other brains are similar but being in my head is definitely like the film Inside Out! I’ve almost got a constant monologue going on! What ifs and what should be.  Once again paranoia and it’s dominance for what if it’s spread, what if when this body part hurts or I get a stabbing pain in boob or armpit, the cancer must be back.  What if while they’re taking so long to start chemo all this comes true! Then the should be’s! I should be grateful they’ve cut out the primary cancers, I should be grateful we’re in a country where treatment is even an option, I should be happy I’m alive and physically mostly feeling well! It’s hard to look forward to anything when you know what’s coming next and how long it will affect you! But you just want them to get on with it! Hopefully today’s mood will improve! 

 Hubby and me (plus our BT) went to Exmoor from 1/4 for the week.  Not feeling particularly ecstatic about it but hubby definitely needs a rest and change of scene, will be good for my mental health.  Still adjusting to this new normal, being at home, not working (although with the weather we have had I'm not actually missing it) think something like a cancer diagnosis changes everything, priorities definitely change. Mood less erratic, not feeling tearful, still having moments of anger and feeling so FUCKING ANNOYED and FRUSTRATED!  We slept in, went on some lovely walks, read a bit, actually sat in the sun some days, I did a short OU Introduction to Psychology Course (very interesting), ate out, but kept it healthy (well a couple of puddings!). But at times you could almost forget you're in this kind of life prison. Groundhog day is my reality, but then its probably a lot of peoples reality!  Saturday arrives and it's time to leave, which means going back to t...

 The weekend goes on and up and down emotionally, in tears one moment and then calmer the next, constantly worrying about prognosis and what's next, will it work, how long until it starts, having to undergo another operation (that to be honest reading the leaflet sounds disgusting!). Meeting friends at Rachel's this morning and feel embarrassed as can't control these tears.  Don't want to go but feel it will be better if I do. Rachel had been going through an upheaval too, different type of cancer but still all the tests, operations and emotional turmoil.  We all get together for a cuppa and of course I start with tears!! Just can't turn the bloody switch off!! Thankfully all my friends are supportive but practical and matter of fact, so conversation flows and lots of different aspects of life discussed and we had a lovely time, felt much calmer after this morning. Monday comes around and emotions still yoyoing! Sun has finally come out which is nice.  I'm expec...

 The week goes on with resting and occupying myself with puzzles, reading and box sets. Daily contact with district nurses.  Drainage bag still my constant companion and not reducing the fluid production as fast as I’d like or thought it would be! The nurse arranges to come to visit this Saturday 18/3 to check wounds and drainage site.  A lovely nurse came and gently undressed the surgery wounds (using a special spray to get the extra sticky tape off). She was very happy with the healing and said that externally they were healed very well and didn’t need to redress.  She changed the drainage patch to a waterproof one so YES at last I can have a shower after 10 days of sink washing! Although now was the logistics of showering with a bag! Heaven though to stand under a hot shower.   My arm movements are getting better, still tight and a lot of pulling when do exercises.  Few more days and can start next stage of physio. So I’m healing well, physio going ok, C...

 Thursday 9/3 and the lovely district nurse comes to visit, she checks drain and shows me how to change the drainage bag each day, measure it and let them know how many ml there is each 24 hours! They won’t visit again until 10 days to check wounds and then again once drain less than 50ml for 2 consecutive days, to remove it!  I had a fairly good night.  Sent hubby downstairs to sleep so I wouldn’t disturb him.  Getting used to having a drain with me 24/7 is interesting! Connor (my eldest) stays home to offer any support I might need, he’s great at a cup of tea.  I’m up and dressed, started the physio exercises suggested for every day (armpit is very tight, mobility of that arm limited). Think I’m still running on adrenaline, finding it hard to sit still.  I know I’m meant to be resting but for me right now this is hard to do! Frustrating knowing I can’t just take my own dogs out for walk, although the shitty weather outside makes me grateful to be inside! ...

 Well a few days have passed and I haven’t updated where I’m at! The CT scan went ahead on the Saturday 4/3.  I had a pre-op on the Friday 3/3, which I’d forgotten about.  Lots of questions get asked.  They take more bloods to be tested, check weight, blood pressure and check blood sugar (this was higher than expected, but I’d had lots of fruit for breakfast and honey on toast for lunch, so this could be the reason (note to self: get checked once this shit show I’m already in is over!)).  Another thing I hadn’t mentioned is that at each appointment you get given leaflets relevant to what’s happening and what then may happen next!  Each one a booklet explaining details about the different treatments, potential side effects and after care.  You need to read these several times as they don’t sink in when your brain is in stress mode! All very clinical and matter of fact and tbh quite scary!  I can’t remember now which day, but the Monday or Tuesday I...