The weekend goes on and up and down emotionally, in tears one moment and then calmer the next, constantly worrying about prognosis and what's next, will it work, how long until it starts, having to undergo another operation (that to be honest reading the leaflet sounds disgusting!). Meeting friends at Rachel's this morning and feel embarrassed as can't control these tears. Don't want to go but feel it will be better if I do. Rachel had been going through an upheaval too, different type of cancer but still all the tests, operations and emotional turmoil. We all get together for a cuppa and of course I start with tears!! Just can't turn the bloody switch off!! Thankfully all my friends are supportive but practical and matter of fact, so conversation flows and lots of different aspects of life discussed and we had a lovely time, felt much calmer after this morning.
Monday comes around and emotions still yoyoing! Sun has finally come out which is nice. I'm expecting that the breast care nurse will ring today after my frantic message left on Friday! The afternoon comes around and she does indeed ring. We go through everything, the operations the treatment plans and the results, everything put into context and rationally discussed. Feeling much better after this conversation. I asked whether I would be seeing them again soon, but told that not unless I really need to! Thin on the ground was the reaction to my request! I know I don't necessarily need to see them as healing well and physio improving movement but it does feel a bit like being left on the shelf! So now I'm just waiting for Oncology appointment, more waiting in limbo!
Friday 31st comes around (all days feel the same for me now) and I get a letter, at last the Oncology appointment! But it's not until 2/5, that's another month away! 6 weeks from referral not the 4 they suggested! Is it because they are really busy? Is it because I'm lower risk or not as important? What happens if something grows in the meantime?!! More overthinking!!
Well now we have a date we decide to go away for the first week of April, need a break, change of scene! Not that you don't take IT with you! Bloody annoying that if we had known operation would be earlier and that oncology would be later we could have actually gone to see family in Houston as planned!!! But hey ho we do love Exmoor!
Now its just building up fitness without cardio yet (no jiggling for 6 weeks), eating healthily, drinking healthily and trying to occupy mind in a positive way!
Is it me or do I use more ! than needed or is my life just an !?
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