Time goes by and my mood and thoughts are erratic! Felt very angry and was quite snarky over the weekend! I’m sure other brains are similar but being in my head is definitely like the film Inside Out! I’ve almost got a constant monologue going on! What ifs and what should be. Once again paranoia and it’s dominance for what if it’s spread, what if when this body part hurts or I get a stabbing pain in boob or armpit, the cancer must be back. What if while they’re taking so long to start chemo all this comes true! Then the should be’s! I should be grateful they’ve cut out the primary cancers, I should be grateful we’re in a country where treatment is even an option, I should be happy I’m alive and physically mostly feeling well! It’s hard to look forward to anything when you know what’s coming next and how long it will affect you! But you just want them to get on with it! Hopefully today’s mood will improve!
Where to start? Cancer itself, the thoughts, the feelings? The impact of my already fragile mental health? So many thoughts going around and around its totally overwhelming, even as I type I'm tearful! I'm no writer but I think getting some of this down may help me and may help someone else! Probably best to start at the beginning: October last year I went to the doctor with a lump in my armpit, she thought it was most likely normal but referred me anyway. Having not long turned 50 I had been invited for first mammogram but not yet organised. I obviously wasn't overly worried, fit and healthy and hadn't found a lump in my breast. A referral was received to go to the Breast Care Unit at the Hospital to meet a consultant, have an ultrasound and mammogram. Consultant examined, said he thought may be something, radiologist said within normal measurements for a normal lymph node and felt it was fine and to leave it alone! Mammogram came back clear. Consult...
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