I’ve just realised it’s now been 7 weeks since stopping work! A business I’ve been running for 18 years albeit very small for the first 5 years. But after that I created a business I am very proud of. I’ve never stopped like this accept for holidays, a spell also when I was ill last year and the horrible Covid period where all businesses were affected (this broke my heart as I thought I’d lose all clients). But I can honestly say for the most part I’ve enjoyed my job, I’ve had some amazing dogs and clients and I hate that I’m letting them down! But I’ve no idea on how long I’ll be off, obviously post op it wasn’t suitable to work for 6 weeks, but now it’s limbo again! Waiting for oncology and chemotherapy to start! Could I work in between? Not knowing when the next therapy starts and whether its worth starting then stopping again! I believe I have to have a picc line permanently put in my arm which wouldn’t work with my job, risk of catching it whilst handling dogs, don’t know how poorly I’ll feel either. So I end up still in limbo not making decisions! Obviously some clients have to get help from elsewhere, which is totally understandable and I need to return some keys, but this still feels hard to do! I think it may be easier to give everyone their keys back to save the drip drip of clients leaving and reminding me of my businesses decline! If this had been a simple lumpectomy and radiotherapy I think I’d have a business to return to, but the length of time this treatment is going to take with further surgery followed by radiotherapy is taking out most of my year! It’s making me cry just thinking about how hard I worked to build a quality business. Maybe this is all a chance for change and a new challenge, but will still be hard! I would definitely miss some of those little faces 😢
Where to start? Cancer itself, the thoughts, the feelings? The impact of my already fragile mental health? So many thoughts going around and around its totally overwhelming, even as I type I'm tearful! I'm no writer but I think getting some of this down may help me and may help someone else! Probably best to start at the beginning: October last year I went to the doctor with a lump in my armpit, she thought it was most likely normal but referred me anyway. Having not long turned 50 I had been invited for first mammogram but not yet organised. I obviously wasn't overly worried, fit and healthy and hadn't found a lump in my breast. A referral was received to go to the Breast Care Unit at the Hospital to meet a consultant, have an ultrasound and mammogram. Consultant examined, said he thought may be something, radiologist said within normal measurements for a normal lymph node and felt it was fine and to leave it alone! Mammogram came back clear. Consult...
Comments
Post a Comment