Hubby and me (plus our BT) went to Exmoor from 1/4 for the week.  Not feeling particularly ecstatic about it but hubby definitely needs a rest and change of scene, will be good for my mental health.  Still adjusting to this new normal, being at home, not working (although with the weather we have had I'm not actually missing it) think something like a cancer diagnosis changes everything, priorities definitely change.

Mood less erratic, not feeling tearful, still having moments of anger and feeling so FUCKING ANNOYED and FRUSTRATED! 

We slept in, went on some lovely walks, read a bit, actually sat in the sun some days, I did a short OU Introduction to Psychology Course (very interesting), ate out, but kept it healthy (well a couple of puddings!). But at times you could almost forget you're in this kind of life prison.

Groundhog day is my reality, but then its probably a lot of peoples reality! 

Saturday arrives and it's time to leave, which means going back to the new normal and more waiting.  Thankfully Jo and Alex having drinks at their tonight.  Although neither of us really feeling very sociable.  But we go and have a fab night, really relaxed and had a laugh, great friends.

I'm now mostly caught up with the process so far and where I'm at, but need to mention the brain and it's influence (hormonal influences too).  All I see is adverts about cancer, as soon as I hear cancer mentioned on the radio it has such an impact!  Almost like seeing a clown if you're scared of clowns! 

But it's weird because I mostly feel fine, cancer isn't me, like diabetes or epilepsy isn't who people are either, it's just something we happen to have and have to adapt to.  I'm no stronger than anyone else, it's only when you're tested do you know what you're made of.  Maybe my past and my struggle with mental health has prepared me for dealing with this.  There are no right or wrong ways and every day is completely different with emotions and thought cycles...

Today it's once again peeing down and I'm feeling lower, a bit tearful and fed up, but actually that is not really any different to times within my normal cycle - I HATE THIS FUCKING WEATHER!

 

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