My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

 

 This morning is a day of two halves and the weather different extremes! My emotions are very similar with each day varying and going from sunny to cloudy in moments.  Hanging on to those sunny moments are what life is really about.  Whilst I can’t avoid the cloudy moments I need to remember to enjoy the sun.

 

 

 

 After what feels like a depressing intense week and with my mood still low we went to visit some family.  Whilst i didn’t visit the oldest members I had a lovely time sitting and chatting, easing into a more normal state of mind and energy.  Although tired by the end I felt like I’d had a break from overthinking. One day at a time.  TIME!

 So today I had to have a ct scan and be marked up ready for my radiotherapy!  Bloody freezing in that room, shaking with both anxiety and cold! The nurses were very supportive.  No dignity, laid out with breasts out.  A lot of precision involved! Definitely not a comfortable position to lay in!! Had to ask for a blanket in the end! Lucky me, I get 15 full breast radiotherapy sessions followed by 5 boost sessions aimed more directly at the area where the tumours were removed!  Starts 13/11 - ends 8/12.  Trying to stay calm and positive and trust this will kill any remaining cancer cells! I really need to have some hope to hang on to!  Awaiting to also hear when my monthly injection and anti oestrogen drugs will start!! Desperate to start as it feels like it completes the anti cancer journey! Took myself and dogs to the beach after todays session to try to centre myself and enjoy the present moment!

 Yesterday was my 2 week post op check up to remove dressing and check external wound, plus receive the histology results.  I’d managed to stay calm prior to appointment but still had this level of dread! What I’ve learnt so far is that things are never straight forward when it comes to cancer!   Dressings off, wound looking good, still another 4-6 weeks till internal aspects healed.  In comes Miss Olsen! ‘I’m glad we decided to do this op because on operating I found a 4mm satellite cancer above the original one’ ‘if we hadn’t found it radiotherapy would zap it, but I’m glad we got it surgically’ ‘I took a large lump of breast tissue around the original tumour and this surprise new one and got clear margins of healthy breast tissue’!   We don’t know what to do with this new information, feel numb! How long has this new one been there? Could there be others? Radiotherapy and the anti oestrogen drugs should stop others but if any new ones appear then it’s a mastectomy! This is a continu

 It will be 7 days post op today, feels like I’m healing well.  I was talking to Mark last night about the worries that continue to try to take over and discovered he too feels scared of our check up and results with breast surgeon next Wednesday!  Looking at my boob she looks like she has done a good job aesthetically but the internal removal of extra breast tissue is a bit like driving with one eye covered.  Using the clips left in place after first op and the mag seed put into the centre of the cavity prior to op as markers are there to show the way.  I suppose it’s easier to remove the original tumour as you can see if and feel it, now you’re trying to remember where it was and take extra!   I’m not as emotional as I was over the weekend and have arranged to see friends to try to start to normalise my life.  Depression means you want to cut yourself off and hide!  But meeting others and talking about their lives and gossip helps.   They say time is a healer and I hope that goes for

 I’m 3 days post op and have to admit I’ve been struggling emotionally/mentally!  Physically I think things are healing, although because most is underneath the boob and gauze it’s harder to tell!  I think it’s the worry about meeting the consultant again on 18th, hoping she got a clear margin now, hoping all cells taken show no cancers cells or precancerous cells!  The what ifs are a real mind fuck on this journey!  I feel like a toy on the conveyor belt of the shittest version of the game show The Generation Game! It still lingers on that the cells got into my lymph nodes and ‘what if some made it through’! The breast care nurse reassures me that the lymph nodes were doing what they were designed to do and contained this evil infection! But my brain will still go there!  Any ache in my back ‘must be cancer’ bloating in my stomach’ must be cancer! You get my point!   It definitely doesn’t help being a ‘glass half full’ kind of girl - or realist as I tell myself!  Oh to be the person w

 Whilst I’ve been trying to rid myself of breast cancer an older friend has been trying to rid himself of lung cancer!  We hadn’t been in touch much over the last few years but he was always in my thoughts.  This year when I learned of his diagnosis I contacted him to send him love.  We had a few messages between us, especially when he learned my diagnosis too!  Unfortunately on Thursday 5/Friday 6 he passed away.  His cancer being inoperable was treated with radiotherapy and chemotherapy and that did the trick for a while.  In the end it spread to other organs causing pain and no doubt horror for him.  He was only 68 and his name was Christopher Stevens (always known as Wiss).   I’m grateful for a serendipitous moment about 6 weeks ago where I’d made a decision to take the dogs to a particular walk I’d not done since starting treatment.  This walk is quite near where Wiss lived. I kept getting caught behind vehicles that slowed me down, the little car park was full, so I had to park a

  So yesterday was my second op hopefully enabling Ms Olsen to get the clear margin of breast tissue she didn’t get first time!  Last time I believe she got 0.6mm and NICE guidelines are 1mm!  Obviously it’s impossible to go in and take 0.4mm or even just 1mm so the aim was probably 3-4mm! Those that know me know I only have little boobs so taking away as much breast tissue as they have would have left a huge cavity below my nipple in which the upper section of boob and nipple would collapse into and potentially cause pain and future issues!  So they performed a chest wall perforator with flaps!! Sounds lovely doesn’t it!  This is to dissect the upper part of stomach tissue, fat, skin and blood supply from under boob, stretch and fold and stitch into place to fill the cavity in the boob, then restitch the boob over this!  It feels like an upper stomach lift over the left side of my ribs! Op was 2hrs 15mins - all went to plan I believe! Took me longer to come round than last time, but m

 Yesterday I heard the incredibly sad news that an older friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year has only weeks to live.  He had radiotherapy and chemotherapy but these only reduce the tumour temporarily and it appears to have spread everywhere!  He’s only 68!  Life sometimes is a real kick in the guts!  We all think chemotherapy is a fail safe but the percentage for success is actually quite low considering what you go through by receiving it!   Whilst feeling sad about him I’m extremely anxious about my op tomorrow but also feeling worried about my own future!  Understandably hearing my friends news brings my own cancer back into the forefront and it’s a total mind fuck! Have to keep reminding myself that they cut the cancer out in March, to all intents and purposes it’s gone.  But the niggling voice of could it have got elsewhere in the meantime still rants on!  Anxiety fuelling this perpetual doom and gloom voice! I lost another older friend to cancer 3 years ag

 A weekend away and a trip to RHS Rosemoor Gardens before my op next Thursday.  Trying not to overthink what’s to come, but obviously I’m nervous!  My brain swings between the op, the recovery and the histology!! That’s all before the radiotherapy, maintenance drugs and trying to move forward without fear of reoccurrence! But for now trying to live in the moment and enjoy the now and today!