The days that follow

 I’m 3 days post op and have to admit I’ve been struggling emotionally/mentally!  Physically I think things are healing, although because most is underneath the boob and gauze it’s harder to tell!  I think it’s the worry about meeting the consultant again on 18th, hoping she got a clear margin now, hoping all cells taken show no cancers cells or precancerous cells!  The what ifs are a real mind fuck on this journey!  I feel like a toy on the conveyor belt of the shittest version of the game show The Generation Game! It still lingers on that the cells got into my lymph nodes and ‘what if some made it through’! The breast care nurse reassures me that the lymph nodes were doing what they were designed to do and contained this evil infection! But my brain will still go there!  Any ache in my back ‘must be cancer’ bloating in my stomach’ must be cancer! You get my point!  

It definitely doesn’t help being a ‘glass half full’ kind of girl - or realist as I tell myself!  Oh to be the person who can be joyful and grateful.  Believe in gods prayers or that ‘I’ve got this’! Platitudes are abundant but they don’t help my mind set on difficult days!  

There have been dark times in my life where my mental health has broken and I’ve not wanted to be here anymore! Where living was too scary! A perceived threat in my mind, not in my reality.  Now I’m faced with the biggest threat to life with being told you have cancer and the will to want to live being squashed by darker days and not wanting to be here, not to  have to deal with it, not having to face the uncertainty of my own future.  Fear is the biggest burden in all this.

To be amongst the living and live life I have to find a way to let go of fear! TIME!