Feelings

 Yesterday I heard the incredibly sad news that an older friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year has only weeks to live.  He had radiotherapy and chemotherapy but these only reduce the tumour temporarily and it appears to have spread everywhere!  He’s only 68!  Life sometimes is a real kick in the guts!  We all think chemotherapy is a fail safe but the percentage for success is actually quite low considering what you go through by receiving it!  

Whilst feeling sad about him I’m extremely anxious about my op tomorrow but also feeling worried about my own future!  Understandably hearing my friends news brings my own cancer back into the forefront and it’s a total mind fuck! Have to keep reminding myself that they cut the cancer out in March, to all intents and purposes it’s gone.  But the niggling voice of could it have got elsewhere in the meantime still rants on!  Anxiety fuelling this perpetual doom and gloom voice!

I lost another older friend to cancer 3 years ago, he made it to his 70th birthday and as upset and sad as I felt it didn’t feel so real to me, but now I’ve had this years fears and worries it’s too close for comfort! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

31/12/23 - Goodbye 2023!

 Today feels like a day for reflection, not something I normally do on 31st December! I want to say FUCK YOU 2023 - FUCK YOU CANCER  - WELCOME 2024. Only I have to reflect on the year and recognise I did nothing to get cancer, I chose the treatment plan I was offered and did my bit by trying to keep moving forward, not looking back, keeping healthy physically and mentally.  I didn’t always succeed but I didn’t quit.  Stubborn bitch springs to mind! But I wasn’t an inspiration or brave I just did what was recommended and continue to do what has been recommended.  Losing control of my life’s decisions was the hardest part of this year, but discovering a resilience that was stronger than I could imagine was a bonus. The support I’ve had from family and friends has helped me through tougher moments and I’m very grateful for the people in my life. This year I’ve had: 2 biopsy’s  Mammograms  MRI CT Scan Bone Scan First operation involving a lumpectomy and auxiliary clearance  Picc Line Fitte
Read more
 Where to start? Cancer itself, the thoughts, the feelings? The impact of my already fragile mental health? So many thoughts going around and around its totally overwhelming, even as I type I'm tearful!  I'm no writer but I think getting some of this down may help me and may help someone else! Probably best to start at the beginning: October last year I went to the doctor with a lump in my armpit, she thought it was most likely normal but referred me anyway.  Having not long turned 50 I had been invited for first mammogram but not yet organised.  I obviously wasn't overly worried, fit and healthy and hadn't found a lump in my breast. A referral was received to go to the Breast Care Unit at the Hospital to meet a consultant, have an ultrasound and mammogram.  Consultant examined, said he thought may be something, radiologist said within normal measurements for a normal lymph node and felt it was fine and to leave it alone! Mammogram came back clear.  Consultant still was
Read more

4/12

 These new drug’s definitely cause fatigue and it’s bloody irritating!  We’ve had a tough few days with other family concerns and I really could have done with feeling on my A game!  Today I’ve got first bout of diahorrea and it’s not nice! Had to take drug to hopefully counteract it! Not feeling happy with this particular drug at all!  And it’s pissing it down outside, so what more joy could we have then a power cut!  Bad stomach Bad mood No dog walk No tv
Read more