My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

Whoopee I’ve made it to the end of the chemo journey! A long 16+ weeks from first chemo infusion, with all the joyous side effects both the more obvious physical but also mentally challenging!  Still have the worst few days of chemo side effects to come and the 7 days days of injections, followed by building my immunity back up to strength.   Apart from feeling a little bit institutionalised after this long routine I do feel some joy that I’ve completed this part of the cancer journey. I’m not brave or inspirational, just doing what needs to be done! Don’t get me wrong I’m proud of myself and have surprised myself but it’s a no brainier when you have a family you love, you do all you can to stay around.  So although it’s pissing down today 31/8 and last day of summer I feel freed from the shackles of my chemo routine 🥳 While it’s in my head, things that I think helped me support myself: Walk every day 45 minutes or more, no matter how you feel, get out.  This helps you both physically

 1 more day until last chemo, all being well! Bloods taken yesterday, appointment starts at 11am tomorrow.  The rest is out of my hands.  Each time I have the paclitaxel I worry about reaction, getting tomorrow out the way will be a relief, joyous and scary! Starting the chemo journey 16 weeks ago all you can think about is how bloody long it is! Deal with all the side effects! Try to live a small life and do some things you normally do! But then there’s the ‘are there long term effects of chemo?’ ‘has it worked?’ ‘I hope to never have to have it again!’. Once I get through tomorrow and the picc line is finally removed I’ll have the usual no sleep, bone/muscle pain to deal with and then the slow recovery from the long term effects.  But in the meantime I have my next appointment to discuss the surgery to remove a clearer margin of tissue from the breast, discussions about what drug I’ll be put on the stop oestrogen uptake, possible injection to turn off ovary and a 6 monthly injection

It’s coming up 7 months since I discovered the lump in my breast and 10 months since I asked for a lymph node to be investigated! The count down to last chemo is upon me and I’ll be so glad to end this period of treatment and grow some bloody hair back 😂  

 With all being well my Picc line will be removed after last chemo next Wednesday.  So last visit to the Sidmouth Ambulatory Team and I wanted to thank them for their care and support during the duration of my chemo journey.  The cake was made by Combe Farm Shop Gittisham and as I have had a few cakes from here recently to both reward myself and cheer myself up (the size of my belly shows my appreciation) I can vouch for how nice this will taste. With the greatest respect I hope never to see Sidmouth Hospital again. 

 It’s taken almost a week to final feel a bit better after round 7!  The Codine for the pain made me feel spaced out and a bit nauseous so didn’t do for more than 12 hours! So just had to put up with pain and lack of sleep!! It’s Sunday today and I should have been at Beautiful Days Festival with my husband!! Fucking C Twat!!! No point us both being home feeling miserable so made him go and sent our youngest son in my place!  He’s missing me and I’m missing doing something else that would have been fun to do with him! But they’re both enjoying and youngest has got the festival bug! I managed to get to local food festival yesterday, albeit hard work just walking up high street!  Forgot about how I was likely to be stopped to see how I was was those who know me!! Fine! Getting there! Only 1 more! Tired! Automatic responses are key to this shit show!! Wouldn’t want to go down the truth about how you really feel, too depressing to go there so just don’t!  People don’t really want to know,

 Round 7 today and penultimate chemo! Had to start premeds yesterday to help protect me from a reaction! Not best nights sleep! Hot sweats are annoying! Drugs on time today and things are quieter here today.  Was hoping my final chemo would be Monday 28/8 but as it’s a bank holiday and people being moved on a day or two it will actually be on the Wednesday 30/8.  I started to get emotional as it’s two day’s delay again! But it’s last one and then I’m done with chemo!! This journey has been prolonged and uncomfortable!! But cop-able and survivable! An internal strength that is sometimes hard to find, but find it I have! 

 Today should have been round 7, but because they’re extremely busy on Fridays they’ve moved me to Monday.  Part of me is relieved and part of me just wanted it done with.  Tiredness, breathlessness, brain fog, anxiety, hot flushes and night sweats are the lasting side effects of 6 rounds.  Bloods taken yesterday so not sure of them yet, but last ones should elevated wbc and liver function!  They say it takes 6-8 weeks after last chemo for immune system to be back to normal and I’m hoping that means all stats, but obviously I’ll be left with some damage, just how much and for how long will remain to be seen.

 Sometimes I just hate my brain!! Whilst feeling better than I did after last chemo we managed a nice evening with friends in their garden and then I had breakfast out with some girlfriends.  But on the side I’m struggling with worry about the chances that the cancer will have spread to elsewhere, today I’m worried about my lungs! Obsessively looking at early detection for secondary cancer, how long after breast cancer it can develop, is there treatment!! Just because i sometimes have a little breathlessness and a tiny tiny tickle that occasionally caused me to cough today!! I have so many questions for the oncologist as I feel I need to be in control and hyper aware of potential risks to look out for in my future!  Not feeling like all I’m doing to have the best outcome is enough is doing my head in!  My symptoms today are probably and most likely a side effect of chemo itself but it doesn’t take that worry away!! Trying to focus on all that’s being done is killing cancer cells should

 So after the success of having chemo on Friday, I call it success, but just in the way you can tick a horrible job off your to do list!  I get to Sunday evening and those tell tell signs are here,  that the bone/joint/muscle pain is not going to bypass me this time as I’d hoped!  This is tougher than feeling nauseous or lacking in concentration.  Those can be ignored to a degree.  This is 24/7! So having had very little sleep both Thursday and Friday because of all the steroids I’m so very quickly back to no sleep.  Sunday spent tossing and turning as it’s impossible to get comfortable.  I take to sleeping downstairs Monday night so as to not disturb Mark!  The pain is predominantly the lower part of me body, but some in my ribs, neck and hands! I’ve been mostly managing by taken ibuprofen every 4 hours, but honestly this isn’t helping much. I’ve avoided taking the Codine until Tuesday night because it can cause constipation, and I didn’t want anymore than is already caused by chemo d