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 Where to start? Cancer itself, the thoughts, the feelings? The impact of my already fragile mental health? So many thoughts going around and around its totally overwhelming, even as I type I'm tearful!  I'm no writer but I think getting some of this down may help me and may help someone else! Probably best to start at the beginning: October last year I went to the doctor with a lump in my armpit, she thought it was most likely normal but referred me anyway.  Having not long turned 50 I had been invited for first mammogram but not yet organised.  I obviously wasn't overly worried, fit and healthy and hadn't found a lump in my breast. A referral was received to go to the Breast Care Unit at the Hospital to meet a consultant, have an ultrasound and mammogram.  Consultant examined, said he thought may be something, radiologist said within normal measurements for a normal lymph node and felt it was fine and to leave it alone! Mammogram came back clear.  Consult...
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Feelings

 Yesterday I heard the incredibly sad news that an older friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year has only weeks to live.  He had radiotherapy and chemotherapy but these only reduce the tumour temporarily and it appears to have spread everywhere!  He’s only 68!  Life sometimes is a real kick in the guts!  We all think chemotherapy is a fail safe but the percentage for success is actually quite low considering what you go through by receiving it!   Whilst feeling sad about him I’m extremely anxious about my op tomorrow but also feeling worried about my own future!  Understandably hearing my friends news brings my own cancer back into the forefront and it’s a total mind fuck! Have to keep reminding myself that they cut the cancer out in March, to all intents and purposes it’s gone.  But the niggling voice of could it have got elsewhere in the meantime still rants on!  Anxiety fuelling this perpetual doom and gloom voice! I lo...
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The days that follow

 I’m 3 days post op and have to admit I’ve been struggling emotionally/mentally!  Physically I think things are healing, although because most is underneath the boob and gauze it’s harder to tell!  I think it’s the worry about meeting the consultant again on 18th, hoping she got a clear margin now, hoping all cells taken show no cancers cells or precancerous cells!  The what ifs are a real mind fuck on this journey!  I feel like a toy on the conveyor belt of the shittest version of the game show The Generation Game! It still lingers on that the cells got into my lymph nodes and ‘what if some made it through’! The breast care nurse reassures me that the lymph nodes were doing what they were designed to do and contained this evil infection! But my brain will still go there!  Any ache in my back ‘must be cancer’ bloating in my stomach’ must be cancer! You get my point!   It definitely doesn’t help being a ‘glass half full’ kind of girl - or realist as I t...
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