My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

 Today is the first snow of winter and we enjoyed a snowy dog walk.  My dogs have been a great help throughout this year, offering companionship, routine, focus, exercise and love.  A purpose is needed in each and every day and providing exercise for my dogs has been good for both my physical and mental health.

Bone infusion done, monthly ovary suppressant implant done (not nice)! Half hour late as usual! They knew about bone infusion and implant, we had to figure out where oral tablets were coming from!  Prescription hadn’t been sent to hospital from oncologist for one of them, other prescription apparently being sent to Honiton! 3.5 hours later all sorted!! The system is broken! 3.5 hours for an appointment that could have been carried out in 30-45 minutes!  I really feel for the staff on the ground, having to waste so much time chasing! 

 I’m finding it hard trying to figure out where I fit in life! I’m feeling a bit lost! I have my bone infusion, ovary blocker injection and the oral drugs tomorrow!  I’m hating the fact I have to go back to Cherrybrook Ward where chemo was administered, this place has too many emotions attached to it.  I feel daunted at not knowing how tomorrow will affect me and that raises the bigger fears of worrying about my future!  To be able to forget this year and go back to my past self is not an option! I have to try to live with this year and believe that cancer won’t show it’s ugly head again, but some days are harder than others.  I get frustrated and angry about this! 

 Feeling wiped out, but still I have to go out and walk for general well-being, thoughts a bit all over the place this morning!  But blue skies for now and I’ve a reflexology before last treatment. 

 4th session of radiotherapy.  Had a good long wet dog walk this morning but definitely feeling tired today! Didn’t think having so few sessions would be tiring!! Not sure how long side effects of radiotherapy last?! Feel like I’ve mostly recovered from chemotherapy and operation, although scar still a bit tender.  Aveeno cream definitely great with scar tissue. Desperate to start other exercise but overthinking how other drugs could impact anything I start! So end up not starting! 

 Round 3 of radiotherapy and trying to balance thoughts and get perspective! No better place than beach for me with my dogs.

 Second radiotherapy done! Meeting with oncologist and left feeling overwhelmed and depressed once again! So many drugs involved in trying to prevent a reoccurrence either in original breast or it popping up elsewhere! So many potential side effects, some which sound debilitating!  All start at same time so how on Earth do you know which drugs causing the issues!! I want to forget all about this year but these drug’s prolong the feeling of being in jeopardy and that life on a knife edge! My issue is drugs to help prevent future cancer versus living life, quality of life! 

 First session of radiotherapy done, only four more to go!! Meeting with oncology tomorrow to discuss next lot of wonderful drugs!! 

  The first photo literally shows my year with a massive cloud right above my head, it’s followed me around for months, hanging on tight to my life.   The second photo shows me! Not me the cancer person or me the warrior or survivor, just me! The person!  The help I’ve received from Maria through Force Counselling has helped me to deal with so much of the thoughts and emotions around this year. Now realistically I know that I’m not done yet and there maybe more of the cloud above me, but it’s nice to know I’m still in there on cloud free days. 

 Earlier this week I had a phone call from my oncologist.  He told me that because my surgeon had got a good clear margin of breast tissue, healthy margins even around the surprise satellite cancer,  I only need 5 radiotherapy sessions on my full breast.  Because I had a auxiliary clearance with only disease in 1 lymph node and because I’ve had a lot of breast tissue taken, coupled with my small breast size no bed boost is necessary/possible and more than 5 sessions would cause more damage than needed to zap and little fuckers of cancer cells left hanging around! This is good news.  It’s been a long traumatic year and I’m still healing from chemo and my second op, still have radiotherapy and then the introduction of drugs to help prevent recurrence or secondary cancers.  So whilst we have a short window we are off - flying to sunnier climbs for a week.  Hopefully to decompress, centre and be present.