My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

 It’s been over a week since I last posted.  It’s been a mixed week.  Sleep has for the most part been ok.  Nausea slight issue, but not enough to stop me eating healthily, or at least trying to.  Mornings are the biggest struggle, just a general feeling of not feeling myself, slight headache, low energy.  It’s hard to describe, you’re tired, but not tired, yourself but not yourself!  I’ve continued to go dog walking and the sun has been amazing, very welcome change.  Injecting myself with drugs to increase bone marrow going ok (even though I astound myself that I’m doing it!).  Little improvements each day in well being.  Getting jobs done around the home! Only hiccup was early hours of Friday 26th, woke up to intense lower back pain, almost pulsating!  Managed to take a couple paracetamol which helped to ease it!  Made myself do a little yoga and go for dog walk to further ease in case it was just stiff for some reason.  Late morning into early afternoon  back seemed ok, manageable b

 Not a great nights sleep Friday as wide awake at 4am, starving by 5am! Expect this is the steroids! Not feeling too bad in myself mind you.  Still jaded!  Today I have to start to inject myself to promote white blood cell production and slowly coming off anti sickness and steroids.  Went for a dog walk with Connor, which felt like hard work, but worth it.  Back to chilling out.  It’s like you’re  tired but can’t nod off.  Fatigue I suppose!  I bravely took myself off when it was time for injection and pleased to say I did it without issue.  Squeeze some fat on tummy, dart needle in quickly, press plunger and when drugs have gone through a clever spring inside device whips the needle back inside and out of tummy.  Very pleased with myself! Ate well today, no real problems with nausea! By evening I’m struggling to stay awake on sofa so just go with it. Manage a good nights sleep Saturday night, no steroid since lunchtime yesterday so not starving, no nausea, but last tablet at breakfast

 Thursday 18th, both the day I’d been hoping would hurry up and dreading!  Putting poison into your system goes against every fibre of my being. I arrive at Wonford for 10am, debating whether I need to mask up or not, so unclear on when’s best and how much they actually work! First point of call is having a picc line put in, a what you say?! Well because of the toxicity of the breast cancer drugs there is a high chance of burning veins and leaking into surrounding tissue if done through a cannula in the hand, permanently damaging the area.  A vascular nurse performs this procedure, I did shed a few tears when I go in, it’s all so overwhelming.  She reassures me it won’t hurt and is extremely kind and patient explaining that they use a local anaesthetic to numb the area and a ultrasound to guide the permanent tube into an artery that goes into the chest via the vein just inside the bicep.  This will be my permanent port for receiving treatment and blood work.  It didn’t hurt at all and

 Pre-chemo assessment at Ottery Hospital.  General chat about all the things to look out for, what drugs I’d be given, about the picc line.  Way too much information as usual! I should be a bloody expert by the end! They were lovely there though, very supportive.  Took more bloods and did my weight! Now the dubious jump into the unknown on Thursday. Absolutely shitting myself!

 Since my oncology appointment my mood has dropped massively, anxiety keeps trying to take control! There is so little you feel you have control over which makes it feel much harder.  The unknown is the key factor here, a crystal ball would be fab! Not knowing how my body will react to treatment is the main anxiety affecting me! Keeping fit is the only control I feel I have and knowing realistically I’ll probably even lose that at some point breaks my heart! Trying to get my head to understand that giving up control for the rest of the year is ok, I can get it back, it’s not forever.  Chemo is important in killing any rogue cancer cells but feels completely wrong! The ifs, buts and maybe continue to plague me! Trying to focus on positives but it’s bloody hard. I’m also feeling pissed off with why me?I know it’s a why not me? I understand that cancer can touch anyone, but when I see unhealthy people who smoke heavily and drink and no cancer, then it really is WHAT THE FUCK! Just bad luc

 Had my echocardiogram today to check my heart health before starting chemotherapy!  Really hope it can cope as I do my best to keep it healthy!  Had a lovely surprise today, some of my family have signed up and are raising money for cancer research by doing the Pretty Muddy Race for Life, I felt very humbled by this.  Hoping I am well enough to go watch! Will probably be half way through my chemo marathon by then! Very proud of them for doing this though. 

 So you spend 6 weeks waiting for and wishing an appointment would arrive, then it’s finally here and you don’t want it! Had a lovely weekend away before, but back to reality and the next steps in treatment appointment looms.  Didn’t feel overly anxious on journey in, but once I’m here just that general feeling of doom!  My oncologist is a Dr David Hwang.  I had weight, height, blood pressure, oxygen saturation and mrsa tests done on arrival.  Apparently today is the first day they are mask free in this department, post Covid! Not sure how I feel about that! Generally I don’t believe masks work. In we go to see consultant.  He comes across as nice, patient.  Goes through the recommended chemotherapy regime.  For me it is recommended 2 different drugs, 8 rounds, 4 of each drug, with treatment being fortnightly providing my white blood count at suitable levels before each treatment! I will have a pre-assessment and then pic line put into my vein for duration of the 16 week treatment plan