Continuing struggle

 Since my oncology appointment my mood has dropped massively, anxiety keeps trying to take control! There is so little you feel you have control over which makes it feel much harder.  The unknown is the key factor here, a crystal ball would be fab! Not knowing how my body will react to treatment is the main anxiety affecting me! Keeping fit is the only control I feel I have and knowing realistically I’ll probably even lose that at some point breaks my heart! Trying to get my head to understand that giving up control for the rest of the year is ok, I can get it back, it’s not forever.  Chemo is important in killing any rogue cancer cells but feels completely wrong! The ifs, buts and maybe continue to plague me! Trying to focus on positives but it’s bloody hard.

I’m also feeling pissed off with why me?I know it’s a why not me? I understand that cancer can touch anyone, but when I see unhealthy people who smoke heavily and drink and no cancer, then it really is WHAT THE FUCK! Just bad luck! Something bad I’ve done in my past! But realistically it really is just bad luck!

I’ve a weekend away visiting my overseas family (who are docking at Southampton) before my treatment starts next week.  I both want to go and don’t! Just a general feeling of being flat! 

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