Oncology appointment 2/5

 So you spend 6 weeks waiting for and wishing an appointment would arrive, then it’s finally here and you don’t want it! Had a lovely weekend away before, but back to reality and the next steps in treatment appointment looms.  Didn’t feel overly anxious on journey in, but once I’m here just that general feeling of doom! 

My oncologist is a Dr David Hwang.  I had weight, height, blood pressure, oxygen saturation and mrsa tests done on arrival.  Apparently today is the first day they are mask free in this department, post Covid! Not sure how I feel about that! Generally I don’t believe masks work.

In we go to see consultant.  He comes across as nice, patient.  Goes through the recommended chemotherapy regime.  For me it is recommended 2 different drugs, 8 rounds, 4 of each drug, with treatment being fortnightly providing my white blood count at suitable levels before each treatment! I will have a pre-assessment and then pic line put into my vein for duration of the 16 week treatment plan.  I will be given steroids around treatment days to help with side effects and then have to inject myself daily for so many days prior to next treatment to increase white blood cell count!  I HATE NEEDLES AND CANT IMAGINE INJECTING MYSELF! Dr Hwang suggests hubby does it! GOD NO! won’t even let him get a splinter out for me!

Blood tests prior to each treatment will check my system is ready for next round!  They do offer the chemotherapy treatment through Ottery Hospital so really hoping some of my chemo treatment and bloods can be done from there.  Going to be a massive stress on me both physically and mentally!

We go through my herbal supplements and foods I’ve been taking to boost my immune system, but unfortunately as I thought they don’t want me on anything but prescribed drugs during treatment so as to minimise any interference they may have in chemotherapy working!  I hate my choices being taken away from me! I can continue with exercise and that is encouraged, provided I have the energy.  No swimming or as in my case sea bobbing! Gutted! Hope it rains all fucking year now!

We go through the side effects (most common ones) I mention my worry over feeling sick and am reassured they will use drugs to counteract this.  Hair loss will be quite soon after starting treatment.  But infections are the biggest concern.  No I don’t want another bloody Covid vaccination! I’m still wondering if it’s the vaccination that gave me this cancer! But yes I have a thermometer and I understand to stay away from busy indoor spaces while immune system compromised, although putting into practice will be hard! Lots of paperwork to read (hubby has read it, I have not, I don’t want to know!). I’m feeling so angry and upset about having to go through this!

So appointment over and I’m sent for bloods and an ecg!  Ok! Well ffs the queue was massive! It took an hour to get my turn for bloods, luckily ecg fitted in between!  I honestly can’t imagine a worse place to be packed with potentially ill people sharing with cancer patients waiting for bloods to be taken, but yes there were!

We go into Force Charity on leaving to see what they may have to help if I need any, even more information to absorb!  Feeling flat now! Half a day gone, any good mood from weekend gone.  But food shop needs doing and dogs need walking!

I get a phone call later that day with dates for treatment to start.  Pre-assessment on Tuesday 16/5 and pic line, X-ray then chemotherapy treatment on Thursday 18/5.  Luckily first appointment at Ottery, but second Wonford and I’ve got to allow for 5 hours! Hell on earth!  Oh and no I can’t have anyone with me! Well at least I’ve got appointment through, but honestly don’t know how I’m feeling about it!

Wednesday I take dogs on a big walk and spend large part of day immersed in my course (avoidance tactics), do a little yoga and mostly feeling ok.  Doctor Short rang so I filled her in on hospital appointment.  Have a headache (which is either brain cancer or tension). 

Thursday and off we go on another big walk, headache still hanging on! Feeling more and more stressed, anxious and negative brain ruining my one person party!  Off to see Herbalist to get more potion but explain it’s a no go during treatment!  This really upsets me as it’s a little bit of control over my body I’m losing!  No course today, manage the yoga but still feeling weird!  Am going to see a friend, not driven there before and am getting worked up about it! Oh and its fucking raining! 

So stress levels increasing, follow my maps but go a different route as it’s not where I’d thought it was! End up back where I should have gone.  Following a lane and just spot sign, phew.  But had to reverse back as overshot the entrance! So already stressed and now not paying enough attention, reverse and bang into hedge/wall! Ffs I’m so cross with myself! Physically start shaking, panic takes over! This is stupid but there we go! Check damage, couple of scuffs and damage to parking sensor, so no that doesn’t work now!  I’m livid and panicked and fed up with this mode! I probably shouldn’t have gone as wasn’t in right frame of mind and now I’ve damaged the car! Feels like the end of the world in my brain! 

So get myself under some level of control, have a cuppa with friend and then drive home, worrying about what else disastrous I could do on the way!!

So Friday I here again…. Let’s see how today pans out, main focus is control of anxiety.