Lonely, despair, frustrating, sadness, wallowing, can’t always put on a brave face! 

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 Where to start? Cancer itself, the thoughts, the feelings? The impact of my already fragile mental health? So many thoughts going around and around its totally overwhelming, even as I type I'm tearful!  I'm no writer but I think getting some of this down may help me and may help someone else! Probably best to start at the beginning: October last year I went to the doctor with a lump in my armpit, she thought it was most likely normal but referred me anyway.  Having not long turned 50 I had been invited for first mammogram but not yet organised.  I obviously wasn't overly worried, fit and healthy and hadn't found a lump in my breast. A referral was received to go to the Breast Care Unit at the Hospital to meet a consultant, have an ultrasound and mammogram.  Consultant examined, said he thought may be something, radiologist said within normal measurements for a normal lymph node and felt it was fine and to leave it alone! Mammogram came back clear.  Consult...
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Feelings

 Yesterday I heard the incredibly sad news that an older friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year has only weeks to live.  He had radiotherapy and chemotherapy but these only reduce the tumour temporarily and it appears to have spread everywhere!  He’s only 68!  Life sometimes is a real kick in the guts!  We all think chemotherapy is a fail safe but the percentage for success is actually quite low considering what you go through by receiving it!   Whilst feeling sad about him I’m extremely anxious about my op tomorrow but also feeling worried about my own future!  Understandably hearing my friends news brings my own cancer back into the forefront and it’s a total mind fuck! Have to keep reminding myself that they cut the cancer out in March, to all intents and purposes it’s gone.  But the niggling voice of could it have got elsewhere in the meantime still rants on!  Anxiety fuelling this perpetual doom and gloom voice! I lo...
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Repair and recover

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  So yesterday was my second op hopefully enabling Ms Olsen to get the clear margin of breast tissue she didn’t get first time!  Last time I believe she got 0.6mm and NICE guidelines are 1mm!  Obviously it’s impossible to go in and take 0.4mm or even just 1mm so the aim was probably 3-4mm! Those that know me know I only have little boobs so taking away as much breast tissue as they have would have left a huge cavity below my nipple in which the upper section of boob and nipple would collapse into and potentially cause pain and future issues!  So they performed a chest wall perforator with flaps!! Sounds lovely doesn’t it!  This is to dissect the upper part of stomach tissue, fat, skin and blood supply from under boob, stretch and fold and stitch into place to fill the cavity in the boob, then restitch the boob over this!  It feels like an upper stomach lift over the left side of my ribs! Op was 2hrs 15mins - all went to plan I believe! Took me longer to com...
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