My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

 So, here we are Round 4! End of EC combination of licensed poisons, halfway point in chemotherapy treatment! Thankfully administered at Ottery Hospital once again, which means I don’t have as far to travel and a smaller friendly unit.  Unfortunately because I have a new drug for next 4 rounds it’s back to Cherrybrook and what feels like a more stressful place to be! But for now it crack on a get through the effects of this latest poison and ready myself for the unknown once again! I’m proud of myself so far! 

 The last two days have been horrendous.  You just feel like you’ve been hit by a bus, almost zero energy! Saturday afternoon and evening were the tears that just wouldn’t stop, frustration at going through this, feeling so alone, pity that I’d had to endure a childhood where you felt like you walked on eggshells almost all the time, to mental health issues through adulthood to this.  So now the why me! Why the fuck should I get this!  Haven’t I suffered enough through my life! Wallowing was definitely right there with me Saturday! Sunday is high levels of fatigue, accompanied by brain fog, no driving for me today! Short walk and almost nothing else but lay like a beached whale!  It’s Fathers Day and the boys took dad out for meal last night, which I was obviously jealous of but also thought was really nice.  Then off they went to a classic car show for a couple of hours, not jealous here though lol! Oh and Jacob cooked our evening meal for first time ever. Monday is here and I’m still

 Lonely, despair, frustrating, sadness, wallowing, can’t always put on a brave face! 

  Round 3 and 3/4 through first 2 drugs.  Thankfully a better experience using a chemo outreach provider at Ottery St Mary Hospital.  Once again it hits you quite fast in making you feel shitty, but I managed to push through until I had to go bed at 9! Expecting to feel bad and not sleep I thankfully didn’t and didn’t wake till 3ish.  But no real nausea or headaches.  Very grateful. Already mind jumping to the drug after the last one in this section and going all doom and gloom about how much stronger it is, how much worse I’ll feel!! But today I must focus on present and have taken dogs for walk from home and enjoying the view.

 I’ve decided that whilst in no circumstances would I chose to be bald, especially after spending 5 fucking years growing my hair, I admit to a morbid fascination with its loss!!

 Need to brown my bonce carefully to detract from being bald!!

I’m often told how well I’m looking, ‘you look really well’ but a bit of sun (which obviously helps) doesn’t take away from the fact for the most part I feel permanently off! Today my taste buds are iffy, my stomach turning a bit, my energy levels are being pushed by my determination to get out for a walk, my cognitive ability is slow! Whilst it’s not to worst way to feel it’s definitely no bloody pleasure trip! I want to lay on the beach, swim in the sea, go for a run, go where I want when I want, but I’m stuck in this limbo! But for now I’ll look at the view of the sea, enjoy the sun whilst walking the dogs and do what I feel capable of!   

  So Thursday 1st June and round 2! It’s also my wedding anniversary! Get to hospital for designated time of 12.30pm and even though my bloods have already been approved I have to wait 3.5 hours for them to actually start! Apparently pharmacy are having an ongoing problem with an isolator machine and are also short staffed!! This is already a distressing place to have to be, but to be made to wait that long, especially when I’m informed the Trust is aware of this ongoing problem is FUCKING DISGUSTING! I had a few tears whilst waiting! Frustration overwhelmed me! When everything finally administered I’m sent home thankfully! Once again a bad nights sleep but not as nauseous and with the steroids and anti sickness tablets that’s all been kept at bay! All apart from bloody constipation on day 2! Crack out the prunes and pears!  But on a good note not as lethargic as I was after first round.  Each day a new pleasure so will see what tomorrow brings and hopefully it’s a big poo!!

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