My Cancer Story - Battle with Mental Health

 8.30 into Wonford - terrified of another allergic reaction, worried about delays! No sleep! Praying to the spirits that offer healing and strength to get through today. 

 So yesterday’s round 2 of Paclitaxel didn’t go as planned - delays in getting poison as per what appears to be usual service! Less than 2 minutes of being put on drip and I go peculiar.  My head, face and chest go bright red and extremely hot!! Drip stopped immediately, oxygen mask on, steroids and antihistamine given! Obs then taken! Oncologist called.  Because it’s now so late in the day and because of this immediate reaction treatment postponed till tomorrow Friday 28/7.  Steroids and antihistamines will be topped up and poison will now be administered over 6 hours in the hope I don’t react again! Scared doesn’t cut it! Fucking petrified!! No sleep because of steroids either!

 Just waiting to go into Wonford and next Paclitaxel!! 1.30pm! Wish it was a bit earlier! This is a pivotal day in that it will be halfway through this poison! On the home straight!  Spoke to oncology team yesterday and my wbc is higher than they were expecting but could be linked to the filgrastan injections! Obviously my brain goes into over drive worrying!! Biggest fears like cancer elsewhere comes flooding to the forefront! Spoke about the muscle/joint/bone pain after last round and they’re going to reduce potency by 10% without affecting its effectiveness.  Fingers crossed as was quite unpleasant!! Managed a few decent walks and some gardening this week, can’t help pushing myself when feeling better and bored!! Also gained weight I don’t want - just a shame that the cake I love so much isn’t calorie free!!  No alcohol is bad enough - but no naughty stuff is BORING!!! hey Ho will try to be good for a couple of weeks!!  Weather been shit for a few weeks now and that doesn’t help my

 I’m trying to find words to describe the physical and mental fatigue!! Debilitating and detrimental probably cover it.  Sadness and doom and gloom are swamping me, not helped by the shitty rain pouring outside!  Just want to melt into tears of self pity!! I’m short and bad tempered which isn’t how I want to express how I’m feeling, but not wanting to allow the self pity to take over and dissolve into tears seems to only allow anger!! Trapped in four walls of my home, within the tired body disabled by chemotherapy and aggravating the emotional brain is a slow torture!! 

 As predicted with Paclitaxel pain has arrived!! It’s lower back, hips, thighs, knees and shins!! Had to get up at 4am as just too uncomfortable!  It’s a mix of dull continuous pain, mixed with waves of sharp pains!! Trying to control with heat/cold and pain relief!! Definitely not easy! Oh the fucking joys of being in the chemo club!!

 Today I was really proud of my team of family and friends raising money for cancer research. 

 I was dreading today as it was time for the next poison! Paclitaxel.  Another unknown.  Just as you’re starting to feel more yourself and bam back to not being quite right! Back to Wonford, a longer infusion as 3 hours on drip this time plus premeds and once again a delay! But lots of lovely smiley staff, no allergic reaction and so far no nausea!  Less extra drugs because of less chances of nausea too.  Very tired today and pissed off because it has rained all day so no chance of a dog walk!!  Only 3 hours sleep last night so hopefully better night tonight and seriously hoping I don’t get the bone pain side effect! Oncologist said normally starts 48 hours after infusion and lasts 48 hours!  So fingers crossed I’m immune to this! Family and friends doing Pretty Muddy tomorrow, so hoping I’m up to watching. 

 My youngest son and my mum have shaved their heads in support of my hair loss and the second half of my chemo treatment which starts this Thursday. I’m actually dreading the new drug and being back at the main hospital.  Really worried how bad it may make me feel! Got to try to remain in a positive mind set and not allow fear to creep in! Hard though!